This time last year, I was content with benching myself for #cuffing season, and en route to my first SOLO international trip for a full month!
This year I thought it would be the same, but not so much. It feels as if things are (slowly) moving with my career, but my love life is nowhere to be seen.
I thought I had potential with this one long distance guy (I think I mentioned earlier… the one I had been seeing roughly every month and a half…)
But I just came back from a short local “bae-cation” and while it was so much fun hanging out with him, the sexual/romantic chemistry just seems to be seriously lacking. I think it’s a combo of him being on the introvert/non-affectionate side, while I’m an extrovert/introvert hybrid and a HUGE mush-ball. He’s also extremely effeminate, which wouldn’t be a problem if his sex drive was there, but I’ve been patiently waiting for this side to appear and I don’t see that getting better over time. His drive seems downright suppressed or non-existent tbh. (And yes, I asked him.. gently… if he was gay or bi, he said no, and I have no choice but to take his word on that.) It really sucks though, cuz outside of the whole sexual chemistry thing, this guy is AMAZEBALLS.
I hate the fact that my logic and emotions often conflict and go their own separate ways. Logically, I’m perfectly content with continuing to lock myself up in a cave and just focusing on work and creative pursuits. Then my emotions and sex drive want come knocking, and here I am, Sunday night, super lonely, wondering why this shit is so hard. (If I were a man, that’d be a funny pun hah, but I mean this.. having/finding a romantic partner shit.)
But even if I were to dust off my dating profile and start actively looking again, it looks like there’s no one to be found. All the men around me are great on paper, but none are emotionally available. They’re all either heartbroken, living the free agent lifestyle, immature or all of the above.
I just wish I had:
- someone geeky, cute, smart and funny to talk to
- someone to cuddle with
- someone who gets me
- someone who is emotionally available and willing to form a deep intimate connection
- someone whose sex drive and affectionate ways match mine
- someone about that power couple life
- Bonus: Donald Glover or Pharrell lol
all wrapped into one.
But…………… I don’t.
I’m happy. Not much to truly complain about. Money should be pouring in now, and I’m getting paid to create, be on camera, have fun and meet lots of people. I’m in a whole bunch of webseries this fall and my IMDb page is growing. A few more months of this, and I should be back on track financially.
AND YET —
I can’t deny there are still a few things floating through my mind on this quiet Sunday evening…
1.) I’m supposed to be working on my acting website. I’ve been procrastinating for a WHOLE MONTH. And I’m waiting to complete my website in order to mail out some headshots to casting directors. I’m starting to think there’s a subconscious barrier here rather than me being exhausted from my new hosting gig. Maybe I’m afraid this mailing won’t result in anything? Idk. But I downed some coffee, so now I have to complete it tonight. Otherwise I’ll be wired throughout the night for nothing.
2.) Deeper than that, I’m stressed about getting a major co-star or guest starring role on a notable series (or film). I have 3 months left to meet this goal, and without an agent, relationships with casting directors (and without a manager who is aggressive enough to actually make something happen…) it’s hard to see the vision. But doubt is a cancer of the mind, so I’m trying to remain strong.
3.) I’ve been getting lonely again in the love department. I see beautiful couples all around me, and it’s hard not wonder when my lover will come. I want to meet him already. Right now I’m tired of these half-assed, bare-minimum men and I’m starting to feel like a love statistic. “Women of color are the least likely to…”
But I’ll never settle for the sake of being lonely. I think “McMaybe/3 slices of pizza guy” was a warning. haha.
4.) At the end of the day… all this worrying and wondering “what if?”– it’s good, it keeps me striving towards my goals, but I need to stop and live in the present. Stop rushing through life. Enjoy the moment. That’s very hard for me to do. But I’d probably be a lot happier and maybe even more productive if I did.
I want to come to a place where I fear absolutely nothing.
Last night I dreamed I was working with an art director, doing a shoot for H&M. He went to style me in a dress ( to which I replied, “red again?”) but then realized he didn’t have the dress. He looks at me in urgency and says “we have to go, NOW.”
Now meant me running with him to the shopping complex downstairs, BAREFOOT, to H&M. People were staring, taking video, commenting… But one woman said, “yo, she’s a g for that”
I think we ended up finding the dress and returned upstairs.
After that adventure, 2nd dream:
Im walking in soho and see an escalator behind some hedges in an outdoor greenery space and glass doors… Leading up into???? I decide to find out. Turns out it takes me to a whole secret elevated space dedicated to sneakers and streetstyle. Think the Bodega facade concept for a whole outdoor main street. It looked like a mix of Newbury street meets a Google or Apple campus; and it was filled with all male sneakerheads.
As soon as I walked off the escalator, everyone sensed I was an outsider, and stopped to look. After about 3 seconds, they resumed what they were doing.
( I already know that last bit was a subliminal from my concious insecurities.)
As usual cool, visually vibrant dreams though. 👏👏
Today I had the opportunity to audition for CBS! I dropped a headshot in the mail, and they responded, inviting me in. I flew to LA knowing that I was literally flying across the country for a 3-min audition, but hey, it’s not every day CBS hits you up.
The longest part if the process, was figuring out which lot to park in, and walking from the garage through the campus to the right building (and finding the right door to get to the right floor/room… Yes it was a JOURNEY).
But once I got there I was legit there for 3 min, including wait time, into, and performance. It went so fast, I couldn’t even guage how well it went. I’m just taking the fact that I’m not eating myself up alive as a good sign that I did what I needed to do — left everything in the room and if they liked something they saw, they’ll let me know.
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
I also just started working for a media/ecomm hybrid startup that specializes in street wear. It’s the perfect side job to supplement my acting. I already loved the world of streetstyle and I get to produce/be on camera. Not to mention the founder is super flexible and supportive of my acting, and values what I bring to the table.
Looks like the fall/winter has BIG TINGS in store! I just need to book that guest star/costar role right now.
You never really know someone, until you know what it is that they want. Once you have that knowledge – Checkmate.
Success requires no explanation. – TAGR
Last week, I found out that I have a big audition out in LA! I’m super excited and very nervous. My manager wasn’t as excited (weird), in fact, she’s been extremely “meh” lately. But maybe it’s because it’s just an audition and I haven’t booked it yet.
I bought my plane ticket and I’ll be heading out to LA again for a week.
I’ve also been busy with a few shoots here and there, and things are moving forward with that streetwear hosting gig. He accepted my day rate, and once they accept the contract revisions, we’ll be good to go! *fingers crossed*
Things seem to be picking up for the fall, and I feel like something big is brewing. My manager said I absolutely HAVE to book a notable role on a big TV or Film project this fall in order to be shopped around for pilot season Jan-March. Otherwise, I’ll have to wait all the way until 2019.
Ughhh. I REFUSE!
I gotta pull a co-starring role out of my ass somehow with no agent, and not many high-level CD connections…..
Wish me luck.