Paralyzed.

Since I stopped freelancing for the tech company, I’ve been living off of savings for 2 months. I swore off the traditional clients…and promised myself that from now on, any job I accept must have one of these elements:

1 – allow me to be on-camera,

2 – involve video/creativity, or

3 – somehow incorporate my storytelling/content creation skills.

I know I must focus ALL of my efforts towards the same end goal rather than putting a lot of time and energy into solely tech marketing for random startups… which even though I enjoy the challenges, doesn’t really get me anywhere near my goals as an actress and music influencer.

However:

During these past 2 months, I have enjoyed the glimpses of potential roles, blissful freedom do to whatever I want, and a plethora of opportunities to collab…  but I still haven’t found a JOB. That one thing or service (in entertainment/media) that’s going to pay the bills (while I still act.) It’s extremely uncomfortable having money go out the door with nothing coming back in.

But guess what’s worse than diarrhea of the bank account:

Doubt.

I’m having doubts about whether this opportunity will ever come.  Doubts about whether the status quo is there for a reason, and I’m just being a lazy millenial f*ck and just need to suck it up and slave away; reducing my passions to a side job or afterthought, until I can afford to focus on them full time. And it sucks. Because the doubt leads to indecision. I can’t make a damn decision about whether to wait, do something else, move to LA, stay in NY, or do anything at all!

But deep deep down, past the doubt on the surface, I still have heart and I still have faith. Something has to work out. It has to. Every night I’m willing my self-conscious to reveal the way and make the answers clear. I just need to make a decision.

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Plot twist!

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Things are actually going amazing for me right now. I’m living in the present and magical people and opportunities have been appearing in my life left and right.

I’ve been meeting so many creatives to collaborate with, and I’m looking forward to what we create. The ONLY mini con is, in terms of actual paid opportunities, there’s a lot of warm eggs… and I’m wondering when they are going to hatch. I keep feeling as if I will achieve and attract life-changing happenings this year, but at the same time… I’m asking myself… okay so what are they?

There’s also the “move to L.A.” bug that keeps buzzing in my ear…. but what about the momentum that is building over here?

what if, what if, what if.

Love you more.

Today’s Facebook wisdom:

“There are issues in every relationship and in mine, we’ve established this concept of “love you more” which means that “I love you more than anything that has happened, is happening or could happen”. This has allowed us to overcome small issues and truly love each other through the tough times. This morning I was reminded that this action can also be used when dealing with people other than your spouse. More importantly, this method should be used on ourselves daily. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you more” and mean it. Love yourself more than your failures, your mistakes, and your flaws. Love yourself fully so you can love others to the best of your ability!”- JF

Silver linings — new perspectives.

So after waking up and having an amazing day, compared to the yesterday of crappiness… I realize that I need to change my perspective on auditioning. Despite being an actress, and despite having solid interview, presentation and public speaking skills, there have been numerous times where I have fell flat in the audition room. (Not as bad as yesterday’s incident though.)

Before, I used to think I needed more training, (which I always will) but I really just need more confidence and a change in perspective on auditions.

In the corporate world, I can interview my pants off for any marketing role I desire. I walk into every interview extremely confident in my expertise, knowing exactly what value I bring to any company, what I’m worth, and I view every interview as a mutual evaluation. So why the hell would my approach to auditions be any different? And why haven’t I connected the two sooner?! I’m baffled at why I haven’t transferred these skills over, until now.

From this day forward,  I am viewing each audition as a simple meet-and-greet. The part is already mine, and qualification is not a question, they just need to see me.  The only thing left is a merely a matter of is this the right fit? and do I want to collaborate with this particular production/project?

Boom. New perspective.

I already feel empowered.

Can you feel a brand new day?

Today was 10x better than yesterday’s bad day fluke.

Weather was amazing. Hair salon was speedy and efficient. Iced chai latte was on point. Chicken sandwich with fries from a random cafe was surprisingly delicious. Photoshoot was poppin. Call with my manager was extremely pleasant.  Test read for film pilot was promising. Cast was hilarious. Full moon was BEAUTIFUL. And bonus — good news came knockin. I booked another role for one of those murder mystery minidoc TV shows. The pay is horrendous, but hey, I’m not complaining. It’s an extra IMDb credit and more footage for the reel.

 

Shittiness

Things had been picking up over the past few weeks. Opportunities and bookings were rolling in, and the vibes were just so positive and promising.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday I was feeling off. I had an audition that I knew I wasn’t right for. I even requested two other roles after they sent me the sides, but the director insisted on that one. I’ve wanted to work with this director for a minute, so I went in anyway.

When I first walked in the room, some of the other decision makers were even surprised at which character I was reading for. “Rachel? Oh. Hmmm.” wtf!? Frustrating.

Then… we started the audition.

I bombed. Just up in flames. My head wasn’t in it, I was nervous, I even asked midway to start over! Ughhhhhh. I’ve never done that in my entire acting career, and yet there I was… feeling hot all over, looking like such an amateur. They sent me back outside to give me 5 minutes while they took someone else. Beyond embarrassing.

The second time in the room, my head was still out of the game, but I mustered up all the energy, presence and preparation I had. I have no idea what was going on with me. But yup, I can’t help but feel as if that audition, (and my first impression with that director) just went up in smoke.

“How are you feeling? Do you want her to read again?”

“Nope. I think we’re good here.”

F.M.L.

(This morning I boldly asked the director for feedback, since I like torture I guess. lol. At this point though, I really have nothing to lose.)

After my shitty audition, I was also scheduled for a call with my manager to discuss a few contracts and fill her in on the projects I had booked on my own. This ended up in a tense, frustrating lecture: “This contract is vague. I need you to protect yourself more,” “Is this a meeting or a consultation? Why are you offering advice for free?” “Don’t you value yourself, your time and your work?” “Do you think Kerry Washington or Beyonce or any other leading entertainer is walking in a meeting for free? Would they put up with this?”

Precisely the loving conversation I needed after a crappy audition. I did need to hear it though. -_-

On another note, today is a new, beautiful day. I have a photoshoot and a reading for a film. My manager said not to let my disappointment from the audition appear in my photos today. So I’m still trying to beat myself up less, and find the silver lining. I’ll let you know when it decides to show up.

Btw. I know for a fact that I have some new lurkers reading this anonymous online journal who are wayyy too close to home. (Thanks to my accidental direct link post to friends and family.) No one has brought it up to me, but I can see direct Google searches in my stats. lol. I’m just going to pretend like they aren’t here.

I FOUND A SILVER LINING! See my post titled “Silver linings.