Shittiness

Things had been picking up over the past few weeks. Opportunities and bookings were rolling in, and the vibes were just so positive and promising.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday I was feeling off. I had an audition that I knew I wasn’t right for. I even requested two other roles after they sent me the sides, but the director insisted on that one. I’ve wanted to work with this director for a minute, so I went in anyway.

When I first walked in the room, some of the other decision makers were even surprised at which character I was reading for. “Rachel? Oh. Hmmm.” wtf!? Frustrating.

Then… we started the audition.

I bombed. Just up in flames. My head wasn’t in it, I was nervous, I even asked midway to start over! Ughhhhhh. I’ve never done that in my entire acting career, and yet there I was… feeling hot all over, looking like such an amateur. They sent me back outside to give me 5 minutes while they took someone else. Beyond embarrassing.

The second time in the room, my head was still out of the game, but I mustered up all the energy, presence and preparation I had. I have no idea what was going on with me. But yup, I can’t help but feel as if that audition, (and my first impression with that director) just went up in smoke.

“How are you feeling? Do you want her to read again?”

“Nope. I think we’re good here.”

F.M.L.

(This morning I boldly asked the director for feedback, since I like torture I guess. lol. At this point though, I really have nothing to lose.)

After my shitty audition, I was also scheduled for a call with my manager to discuss a few contracts and fill her in on the projects I had booked on my own. This ended up in a tense, frustrating lecture: “This contract is vague. I need you to protect yourself more,” “Is this a meeting or a consultation? Why are you offering advice for free?” “Don’t you value yourself, your time and your work?” “Do you think Kerry Washington or Beyonce or any other leading entertainer is walking in a meeting for free? Would they put up with this?”

Precisely the loving conversation I needed after a crappy audition. I did need to hear it though. -_-

On another note, today is a new, beautiful day. I have a photoshoot and a reading for a film. My manager said not to let my disappointment from the audition appear in my photos today. So I’m still trying to beat myself up less, and find the silver lining. I’ll let you know when it decides to show up.

Btw. I know for a fact that I have some new lurkers reading this anonymous online journal who are wayyy too close to home. (Thanks to my accidental direct link post to friends and family.) No one has brought it up to me, but I can see direct Google searches in my stats. lol. I’m just going to pretend like they aren’t here.

I FOUND A SILVER LINING! See my post titled “Silver linings.

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