Paralyzed.

Since I stopped freelancing for the tech company, I’ve been living off of savings for 2 months. I swore off the traditional clients…and promised myself that from now on, any job I accept must have one of these elements:

1 – allow me to be on-camera,

2 – involve video/creativity, or

3 – somehow incorporate my storytelling/content creation skills.

I know I must focus ALL of my efforts towards the same end goal rather than putting a lot of time and energy into solely tech marketing for random startups… which even though I enjoy the challenges, doesn’t really get me anywhere near my goals as an actress and music influencer.

However:

During these past 2 months, I have enjoyed the glimpses of potential roles, blissful freedom do to whatever I want, and a plethora of opportunities to collab…  but I still haven’t found a JOB. That one thing or service (in entertainment/media) that’s going to pay the bills (while I still act.) It’s extremely uncomfortable having money go out the door with nothing coming back in.

But guess what’s worse than diarrhea of the bank account:

Doubt.

I’m having doubts about whether this opportunity will ever come.  Doubts about whether the status quo is there for a reason, and I’m just being a lazy millenial f*ck and just need to suck it up and slave away; reducing my passions to a side job or afterthought, until I can afford to focus on them full time. And it sucks. Because the doubt leads to indecision. I can’t make a damn decision about whether to wait, do something else, move to LA, stay in NY, or do anything at all!

But deep deep down, past the doubt on the surface, I still have heart and I still have faith. Something has to work out. It has to. Every night I’m willing my self-conscious to reveal the way and make the answers clear. I just need to make a decision.

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