No bad days.

Woke up to my mother calling me, lecturing me. Completely unexpected and not the way I thought I would start the day. I hung up on her.

Not the best or most considerate move, but my first immediate thought was “negative energy, protect your mental state.” Ten minutes later after I grabbed my coffee and walked to the train, I called her back. No answer. I sent her a text saying I understand where she’s coming from, why my impulse was to hang up, i love her and hope she has a good day.

Definitely could have handled that situation better, but it’s hard for me to sit back, assess and diffuse a situation in the moment, in the face of aggression.

What I DID learn from this morning’s “drama” however was:

1) The importance and impact of aggression and anger: Whether a person is in the right or wrong, I don’t want anyone to feel how I felt this morning or begin their day like that– feeling attacked and on the defensive. It could set a negative tone for the rest if the day. In this case, I can admit I was 72% in the wrong, but was unaware until she brought it to my attention. I had no idea how she was feeling, and it was clear she was sitting on it, letting boil up so she could have a cathartic release when she finally got me on the phone. Rather than sending a text when she was initially bothered or considering her delivery which would have led to a better outcome.

I can’t control others, but it was a lesson on how I choose to deliver my critiques or anger towards others in the future. It was also a lesson in stepping back, removing my defenses and seeing the fact that the majority of the wrongdoing was on me.

2) Protecting my inner peace and mental state: Hanging up the phone as an action was not correct, but the first mental instinct was. I sensed negative energy that seemingly came out of nowhere, and I refused to let that set the tone for my day. I made sure I was patient and thanked the woman who prepared my iced coffee, I inadvertently made the elderly Jehovah’s Witness woman standing next to the subway turnstile laugh with my super enthusiatic Bonjour! response; I called and texted my mother back with good intention and love behind my communication. Conscious decision or not, I didn’t want to continue spreading the aggression and bad vibes around. My day and spirits were instantly lifted because of this.

I’m not a fan of the holier than thou approach, I hope this entry doesn’t come across this way. I was just pleased with the accidental lessons learned and reflection that resulted from a negative circumstance and wanted to keep a record of this moment.

 

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Hello, Mr. Interesting!

Had a wonderful photoshoot this week with a great photographer I’m looking forward to the results!

Also on set, was a handsome model who I ended up chatting with via phone a few days later. When the time finally came to address our chemistry, I said I was a relationship kind of gal, and he said he’s a polygamous kinda of guy. He wants multiple wives in the future. -_-  Good for him, yay for honesty, but uhhh that’s gonna be a no for me dawg.

Also found out scrollmate has a whole ass wife. Welp. That’ll be my first and last IG crush too.

So on the love life front, I have McMaybe still floating around in the abyss, and a potential new development with a man who’s 9 years older than me.  He came out of nowhere with two back-to-back (yesterday and today) 2-hour phone conversations… hellllo Mr. Interesting!

Boom! Nickname. That was easy.

The 9 year age gap is a first for me, I’ve remained in a 2 year age radius up till now.  But he’s cool and a gentleman, so I’m with it. I like how he is communicative, sure of himself, and already seems to have a clear idea of where his career is headed. I admire that and feel like I can learn from him. I mean McMaybe has all these things too…. I’ll just see how Mr. Interesting’s first date goes next week.

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So yes, I’m back on the dating scene again (I guess) feeling more “man crazy” than ever…  I really don’t understand how because I made it a point to delete my dating apps and focus on myself. Life has a greatttt sense of humor.

If I make it a point not to focus on my career will the same logic apply? Will all these opportunities just come rushing in? HA!

 

Timing. Luck. Talent.

“Show business is like the lottery. It’s not based on who works the hardest, even though hard work pays off, it’s about timing,” Marki Costello explains. “Timing. Luck. Talent.”

http://www.eonline.com/shows/the_drama_queen/news/471142/marki-costello-is-hollywood-royalty-and-she-has-earned-her-title-of-the-drama-queen

The new reality of exclusivity.

“It isn’t merely the representation of female bodies that is at issue: it’s the sheer lack of women in the dance music industry. On festival stages, in club lineups, in positions of power as defined by influence over what people listen to and how much money can be made, women are in the extreme minority. Other than providing some publications occasional opportunities to publish inoffensive lists of “must-hear” female DJs “you need to know,” this gender imbalance does nothing positive for the culture.

Further, the fact that brown and black women are seen as objects fit for consumption of straight white male gaze, and with rare exception, not suitable for a spot behind the decks on a festival main stage is problematic and indicative of the huge gap between mainstream dance music’s ethos of acceptance and its new reality of exclusivity.”

“The core of the dance music scene is its music and delivering a quality product in an economically reasonable manner irrespective of the artists’ identities should be a priority. Still, dance music as we know it was originated by black, Latino, and queer artists who wanted to created safe places for people disenfranchised by mainstream society. These spaceswere where they could find acceptance, community, and a damn good time, away from the straight white male patriarchy. In a cruel twist of fate, that patriarchy is now the ruling class of this once underground culture.”

https://thump.vice.com/en_ca/article/edm-doesnt-have-a-women-problem-it-has-a-straight-white-guy-problem

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Other thoughts: I would love to make and act in a biopic about Frankie Knuckles someday.

Stalkers and scrollmates.

Alright anonymous online diary readers, don’t judge me.

I did say I would return to doing me.

But….

Have you ever digitally “met” someone and felt an instant connection? This just happened to me. About eight minutes ago.

Not sure why or how, but a handsome creative soul connected with me on LinkedIn. I never check my notifications, but I happened to click through to see who this random person was. I ended up heading over to his website to see his portfolio, and then to his IG profile to see even more.

This man is a brilliant creative. He illustrates artists, public figures and musicians AND according to his profile… (because yes I scrolled all the way down) we seem to have very similar tastes. How did I get all these vibes just from a profile? I really don’t know. Idk if this is a PMS symptom or “lack of qualified dating options” symptom or what. Yes, I feel cray.

But all that inner judgement still didn’t stop me from doing my first slide ever in the DMs (yay? lol I know. absolute craziness.) to thank him for connecting and to tell him about the series I’m working on and that I hope to feature him. Okay, so maybe that doesn’t count as a slide… but still. I admit my intention isn’t exactly all business, I would love to get to know him.

Anyway, I’m claiming it as fate. My first “scrollmate.” He seems so dope, so I hope we cross paths in life. And if we do, it would be cool if he happens to be single and interested too. haha 😉

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On the flipside, while I’m hoping and wishing for Mr. Scrollmate to notice me,  I have this weird stalker dude attacking my IG page. He has successfully liked every single one of my pictures on IG, and sent me a million DM requests (hey. you’re pretty. hey. hey.) and after blocking him on IG, he’s now trying to infiltrate my FB. -_-

I don’t get it. It’s never the ones you want lol.

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Update. Scrollmate is married. Abort mission.

Truth doesn’t require you to believe it.

“Truth doesn’t require you to believe it. The same can be said of reality, science, and facts. These things prevail even in an age when much credit is given to managing perception. I find comfort in stumbling upon this insight during my early morning reflections.” – regina

While she’s talking about the current state of our nation, I found additional insight that can be applied to external doubt. If you have a dream or goal, it can prevail even if others doubt you. The constant you need is belief in yourself and your vision. You know your strengths and capabilities better than anyone else. So you can rest assured by betting on yourself.

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Right now, I’m feeling the toll of doubt from others. Two bosses who have made it clear that my work and expertise wasn’t good enough for them. An industry where the collective rejection – lack of callbacks, lack of work, lack of agency representation – makes it appear as if my acting and/or looks aren’t good enough. And entering another industry where I know my current music production experience is nowhere near good enough. Yet.

I needed this quote this morning to remind me:

If you’re smart, creative, nimble and persistent, you can do anything. Just maintain that belief in yourself. Water always finds a way, and so will I. Even if I can’t see it yet.

but y tho?

Woke up to my   key andomly not woking on my keyboad. Just the   key. Had to change my passwod and eveything. It was vey fustating tying to figue out why I couldn’t log onto my mac.

I’m tying not to let it affect my entie day lol. But as you can see, it is eally SO annoying. Luckily I am able to hook up my wooden keyboad and the _ works on that. But I keep fogetting and using the native laptop keyboad and then eliving the fustation again. Agh!

Neve appeciated the powe of the lette _ as much as I do now.

Thee should have been foty   ‘s in this post. -_- #annoying #fistwoldpoblems

Oh noooo my #fou key isn’t woking eithe… neithe is my Ffou key. Dammit.