Stalkers and scrollmates.

Alright anonymous online diary readers, don’t judge me.

I did say I would return to doing me.

But….

Have you ever digitally “met” someone and felt an instant connection? This just happened to me. About eight minutes ago.

Not sure why or how, but a handsome creative soul connected with me on LinkedIn. I never check my notifications, but I happened to click through to see who this random person was. I ended up heading over to his website to see his portfolio, and then to his IG profile to see even more.

This man is a brilliant creative. He illustrates artists, public figures and musicians AND according to his profile… (because yes I scrolled all the way down) we seem to have very similar tastes. How did I get all these vibes just from a profile? I really don’t know. Idk if this is a PMS symptom or “lack of qualified dating options” symptom or what. Yes, I feel cray.

But all that inner judgement still didn’t stop me from doing my first slide ever in the DMs (yay? lol I know. absolute craziness.) to thank him for connecting and to tell him about the series I’m working on and that I hope to feature him. Okay, so maybe that doesn’t count as a slide… but still. I admit my intention isn’t exactly all business, I would love to get to know him.

Anyway, I’m claiming it as fate. My first “scrollmate.” He seems so dope, so I hope we cross paths in life. And if we do, it would be cool if he happens to be single and interested too. haha 😉

___

On the flipside, while I’m hoping and wishing for Mr. Scrollmate to notice me,  I have this weird stalker dude attacking my IG page. He has successfully liked every single one of my pictures on IG, and sent me a million DM requests (hey. you’re pretty. hey. hey.) and after blocking him on IG, he’s now trying to infiltrate my FB. -_-

I don’t get it. It’s never the ones you want lol.

__

Update. Scrollmate is married. Abort mission.

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Cash me onstage, how bow dah. (revisit)

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others, especially when you see some of your friends and peers living out your dreams. Sometimes it feels as if I made a wrong turn, or chose the zig zag path. Sometimes doubt kicks in. And after the doubt is quickly erased and pushed out of memory, I still wonder: am I in denial? Does wanting it badly enough and working hard always lead to a successful outcome? How do I remain consistent when there’s so many things I want to do?

They say shoot for the moon, shoot for the stars… but what if you’re still deciding who you are, where you stand? I mean, I’m still looking for a starting line, did I miss it? It feels like I’m running a race. Other times I feel like running away and escaping all the pressure, cuz confession: I still don’t know who I am. Like who am I meant to be? What is God’s plan for me? When will I meet my destiny?  And why can’t I ever see it so damn clearly, like others do? (or pretend to) And is it in His hands, or do I have a say?

Alright, so I could be rushing things… again. I just feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m on the outside… still looking on the outside…

whhhhhew. Just breathe. Take it day, by day, by day….

___

Okay for kicks, I’ll go REALLY BIG then.Career only. Put some crazy things out into the “universe” on this anonymous blog/diary. If even one of these sticks, I will be a happy camper!

2017:

  • I will be admired for my creativity and vision in acting, film and music. This admiration will be conveyed in the form of publicity, red carpet appearances, invite only networking events, increased opportunities and money.
  • I will live completely off of acting, hosting and music and make more than $100K in earnings!
  • I will publish my first EP in 2017! And it will receive 1,000 downloads.
  • I will have an acting reel that I am proud of.

2018:

  • I will produce and star in my own show (and be paid for it!)
  • I will be on Spotify, Pandora, Shazam, Apple Music.
  • I will live in and afford a chic apartment or condo I am proud of
  • I will take my dad on vacation
  • I will be on the Forbes 30 under 30 list.

2019: (2 years)

  • I will be paid to travel the world, meet new people and record my journey.
  • I will work with Chance the Rapper!
  • I will hit 1M views on Youtube.
  • I will have a guest role on Atlanta or similar show that I admire.

2020: (3 years)

  • I will be in a project that plays at Sundance or Cannes. And win.
  • I will pay off my student loans.
  • I will make an appearance on Ellen.

2022: (5 years)

  • I will be a household name for my positive impact on the world.
  • I will have a leading role on a television (or netflix, amazon etc) series.
  • I will star in a major motion picture.
  • I will have a song that hits Billboard #1.
  • I will buy my mom a house.
  • I will buy myself a house.
  • I will own my own business and/or product line.

2024: (7 years)

  • I will be my own version of Childish Gambino / Donald Glover.
  • I will have the means to be an angel investor for a company I believe in.

2027: (10 years)

  • I will win a Grammy.
  • I will win an Emmy.
  • I will meet the Obamas and Oprah. (lol just threw this one in there)

* I revised these an hour later to remove all practicalities and realisms. Dreaming really REALLY big is kinda hard! This was an exercise in freeing my limitations and I wanted these to be absolutely ridiculous and as random as possible.

I will spend time visualizing and saying each one aloud and will call it a night.

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Update- 5/29/17: I’ve revisited this page 5 times.

Facebook philosophy.

“Reflections from my Sunday reading: It just seems to me that creativity is the real seat of power. Creative people bring us the inventions, the scientific breakthroughs, the art, the new ways of seeing both the world and ourselves, and have done more to advance civilization than pure wealth alone. Wealth seems to follow creativity. And when wealth was used to facilitate advancement, that wealth was bought to bear on the products rendered from the creative mind. The merchants of commerce need creativity less their shelves become bare with obsolescence as their minds are rendered bankrupt waiting for the next great mind to ‘create’ something.” – Regina

Hunger Games.

It feels as if the hunger is going to burn me alive. Internal pain, I can’t sleep. Eternal pain or a sneak peek? I’ve never felt it this strong.

I guess this the part of the story where I take a risk…jump off the cliff… Find something that scares me and do it.

Not sure what that is, so I guess I’ll be shooting blind arrows until I find out!

 

(ooh. more #bars and I didn’t even know it! Might use this for a song)