I’m happy. Not much to truly complain about. Money should be pouring in now, and I’m getting paid to create, be on camera, have fun and meet lots of people. I’m in a whole bunch of webseries this fall and my IMDb page is growing. A few more months of this, and I should be back on track financially.
AND YET —
I can’t deny there are still a few things floating through my mind on this quiet Sunday evening…
1.) I’m supposed to be working on my acting website. I’ve been procrastinating for a WHOLE MONTH. And I’m waiting to complete my website in order to mail out some headshots to casting directors. I’m starting to think there’s a subconscious barrier here rather than me being exhausted from my new hosting gig. Maybe I’m afraid this mailing won’t result in anything? Idk. But I downed some coffee, so now I have to complete it tonight. Otherwise I’ll be wired throughout the night for nothing.
2.) Deeper than that, I’m stressed about getting a major co-star or guest starring role on a notable series (or film). I have 3 months left to meet this goal, and without an agent, relationships with casting directors (and without a manager who is aggressive enough to actually make something happen…) it’s hard to see the vision. But doubt is a cancer of the mind, so I’m trying to remain strong.
3.) I’ve been getting lonely again in the love department. I see beautiful couples all around me, and it’s hard not wonder when my lover will come. I want to meet him already. Right now I’m tired of these half-assed, bare-minimum men and I’m starting to feel like a love statistic. “Women of color are the least likely to…”
But I’ll never settle for the sake of being lonely. I think “McMaybe/3 slices of pizza guy” was a warning. haha.
4.) At the end of the day… all this worrying and wondering “what if?”– it’s good, it keeps me striving towards my goals, but I need to stop and live in the present. Stop rushing through life. Enjoy the moment. That’s very hard for me to do. But I’d probably be a lot happier and maybe even more productive if I did.