Love lost.

This time last year, I was content with benching myself for #cuffing season, and en route to my first SOLO international trip for a full month!

This year I thought it would be the same, but not so much. It feels as if things are (slowly) moving with my career, but my love life is nowhere to be seen.

I thought I had potential with this one long distance guy (I think I mentioned earlier… the one I had been seeing roughly every month and a half…)

But I just came back from a short local “bae-cation” and while it was so much fun hanging out with him, the sexual/romantic chemistry just seems to be seriously lacking. I think it’s a combo of him being on the introvert/non-affectionate side, while I’m an extrovert/introvert hybrid and a HUGE mush-ball. He’s also extremely effeminate, which wouldn’t be a problem if his sex drive was there, but I’ve been patiently waiting for this side to appear and I don’t see that getting better over time. His drive seems downright suppressed or non-existent tbh. (And yes, I asked him.. gently… if he was gay or bi, he said no, and I have no choice but to take his word on that.) It really sucks though, cuz outside of the whole sexual chemistry thing, this guy is AMAZEBALLS.

I hate the fact that my logic and emotions often conflict and go their own separate ways. Logically, I’m perfectly content with continuing to lock myself up in a cave and just focusing on work and creative pursuits. Then my emotions and sex drive want come knocking, and here I am, Sunday night, super lonely, wondering why this shit is so hard. (If I were a man, that’d be a funny pun hah, but I mean this.. having/finding a romantic partner shit.)

But even if I were to dust off my dating profile and start actively looking again, it looks like there’s no one to be found. All the men around me are great on paper, but none are emotionally available. They’re all either heartbroken, living the free agent lifestyle, immature or all of the above.

I just wish I had:

  • someone geeky, cute, smart and funny to talk to
  • someone to cuddle with
  • someone who gets me
  • someone who is emotionally available and willing to form a deep intimate connection
  • someone whose sex drive and affectionate ways match mine
  • someone about that power couple life
  • Bonus: Donald Glover or Pharrell lol

all wrapped into one.

But…………… I don’t.

Ugh. =/

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Sunday’s Silent Thoughts.

I’m happy. Not much to truly complain about. Money should be pouring in now, and I’m getting paid to create, be on camera, have fun and meet lots of people. I’m in a whole bunch of webseries this fall and my IMDb page is growing. A few more months of this, and I should be back on track financially.

AND YET —

I can’t deny there are still a few things floating through my mind on this quiet Sunday evening…

1.) I’m supposed to be working on my acting website. I’ve been procrastinating for a WHOLE MONTH. And I’m waiting to complete my website in order to mail out some headshots to casting directors. I’m starting to think there’s a subconscious barrier here rather than me being exhausted from my new hosting gig. Maybe I’m afraid this mailing won’t result in anything? Idk. But I downed some coffee, so now I have to complete it tonight. Otherwise I’ll be wired throughout the night for nothing.

2.) Deeper than that, I’m stressed about getting a major co-star or guest starring role on a notable series (or film). I have 3 months left to meet this goal, and without an agent, relationships with casting directors (and without a manager who is aggressive enough to actually make something happen…) it’s hard to see the vision. But doubt is a cancer of the mind, so I’m trying to remain strong.

3.) I’ve been getting lonely again in the love department. I see beautiful couples all around me, and it’s hard not wonder when my lover will come. I want to meet him already. Right now I’m tired of these half-assed, bare-minimum men and I’m starting to feel like a love statistic. “Women of color are the least likely to…”

But I’ll never settle for the sake of being lonely. I think “McMaybe/3 slices of pizza guy” was a warning. haha.

4.) At the end of the day… all this worrying and wondering “what if?”– it’s good, it keeps me striving towards my goals, but I need to stop and live in the present. Stop rushing through life. Enjoy the moment. That’s very hard for me to do. But I’d probably be a lot happier and maybe even more productive if I did.

 

Deeper.

There’s this guy. ( I know, I know.) I’ve been avoiding trying to catch feelings for him, because he’s long distance. And to be honest, I can’t distinguish between if it’s fantasy or real, since 90% of our interactions have been on the phone due to distance. We agreed since we don’t want to do long distance, that we would try to decrease the communication since things would get confusing.  I hate to say it, but the decision is affecting me and it sucks.

Which led me to a realization today —

Deep down inside, I think I’m afraid of being alone. I thought my biggest fear was fear of failure or not achieving the lofty goals I have for myself, but maybe it’s rooted in this one. The fear of not being fully loved. Of not finding a romantic (and attractive lol) partner who gets me and wants to ride out life together.

So when someone promising comes along, I hold tight. Tighter than normal and probably definitely tighter and longer than I should. And while I’ve grown leaps and bounds in self-love, I still recognized this fear lingering in my heart today.

So I did what any normal human would do. I Googled it.

Here’s what I found:

Darlene Ouimet, Emergingfrombroken.com (Full post)

(I haven’t read her book, I just came across this on her website)

The truth is that people cannot determine my value. I had to learn to determine my own value by realizing just “HOW” I had been defined as less valuable. The truth is that people do not have the right to define me as good enough or not good enough. Each human being has equal value; I just had to look at lies I believed in order to realize they were in fact LIES. I believed that people, my family and my friends could determine my value by the way they regarded me. But this isn’t a truth. I had to stop believing that people could validate me or invalidate me. The truth is that personal value is not based on what I can do for others especially when there is no mutuality involved as had been the case in my life.

My damaged self esteem began to heal when I realized that it wasn’t ME who caused the damage to it in the first place.

Learning to love started with me, learning to love me. It was about being good enough for me. It was about accepting myself but I couldn’t do that until I faced where the “not good enough” messages came from. Little did I know that through facing this truth, I would find my value and my lost identity.  Through that process I was able to embrace myself the way that I had been longing for others to embrace me

Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll Never Find ‘The One’ – Heidi Priebe (Full post)

If you knew, with indisputable certainty, that love was never going to be yours, how would you live your life differently? What about your daily routine would you alter? What about your long-term plans?

… The idea that someday somebody will love all our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them. The principle of two halves making a whole restrains us from becoming our own better half. We want someone to swoop in during our darkest hour and save us, but what if we knew they never would? We’d have to start doing everything differently.

… Without the fear of ending up alone, the opportunities open to you would become endless. You could live on every continent. You could scale the corporate ladder. You could go back to school and get that degree you’ve always felt interested in, without worrying about the financial burden your debt may place on somebody else.

… Stop looking for The One to spend the rest of your life with. Be The One.

And let everybody else come searching for you.

Thanks Google. =)

 

Hello, Mr. Interesting!

Had a wonderful photoshoot this week with a great photographer I’m looking forward to the results!

Also on set, was a handsome model who I ended up chatting with via phone a few days later. When the time finally came to address our chemistry, I said I was a relationship kind of gal, and he said he’s a polygamous kinda of guy. He wants multiple wives in the future. -_-  Good for him, yay for honesty, but uhhh that’s gonna be a no for me dawg.

Also found out scrollmate has a whole ass wife. Welp. That’ll be my first and last IG crush too.

So on the love life front, I have McMaybe still floating around in the abyss, and a potential new development with a man who’s 9 years older than me.  He came out of nowhere with two back-to-back (yesterday and today) 2-hour phone conversations… hellllo Mr. Interesting!

Boom! Nickname. That was easy.

The 9 year age gap is a first for me, I’ve remained in a 2 year age radius up till now.  But he’s cool and a gentleman, so I’m with it. I like how he is communicative, sure of himself, and already seems to have a clear idea of where his career is headed. I admire that and feel like I can learn from him. I mean McMaybe has all these things too…. I’ll just see how Mr. Interesting’s first date goes next week.

__

So yes, I’m back on the dating scene again (I guess) feeling more “man crazy” than ever…  I really don’t understand how because I made it a point to delete my dating apps and focus on myself. Life has a greatttt sense of humor.

If I make it a point not to focus on my career will the same logic apply? Will all these opportunities just come rushing in? HA!

 

Stalkers and scrollmates.

Alright anonymous online diary readers, don’t judge me.

I did say I would return to doing me.

But….

Have you ever digitally “met” someone and felt an instant connection? This just happened to me. About eight minutes ago.

Not sure why or how, but a handsome creative soul connected with me on LinkedIn. I never check my notifications, but I happened to click through to see who this random person was. I ended up heading over to his website to see his portfolio, and then to his IG profile to see even more.

This man is a brilliant creative. He illustrates artists, public figures and musicians AND according to his profile… (because yes I scrolled all the way down) we seem to have very similar tastes. How did I get all these vibes just from a profile? I really don’t know. Idk if this is a PMS symptom or “lack of qualified dating options” symptom or what. Yes, I feel cray.

But all that inner judgement still didn’t stop me from doing my first slide ever in the DMs (yay? lol I know. absolute craziness.) to thank him for connecting and to tell him about the series I’m working on and that I hope to feature him. Okay, so maybe that doesn’t count as a slide… but still. I admit my intention isn’t exactly all business, I would love to get to know him.

Anyway, I’m claiming it as fate. My first “scrollmate.” He seems so dope, so I hope we cross paths in life. And if we do, it would be cool if he happens to be single and interested too. haha 😉

___

On the flipside, while I’m hoping and wishing for Mr. Scrollmate to notice me,  I have this weird stalker dude attacking my IG page. He has successfully liked every single one of my pictures on IG, and sent me a million DM requests (hey. you’re pretty. hey. hey.) and after blocking him on IG, he’s now trying to infiltrate my FB. -_-

I don’t get it. It’s never the ones you want lol.

__

Update. Scrollmate is married. Abort mission.

A Tale of 3 Slices.

Went over to McMaybe’s apartment. Said he was just going to order pizza because it was easy. I get there, and this man ordered 3 slices. Two for him and one for me.

I looked at him like he was crazy. I was just so confused, trying to resist the urge to laugh, thinking to myself, who says they’re going to order pizza and then orders slices?

He who orders pizza slices for delivery instead of a whole pie, cannot be trusted.

The End.

#filmfodder