Sunday’s Silent Thoughts.

I’m happy. Not much to truly complain about. Money should be pouring in now, and I’m getting paid to create, be on camera, have fun and meet lots of people. I’m in a whole bunch of webseries this fall and my IMDb page is growing. A few more months of this, and I should be back on track financially.

AND YET —

I can’t deny there are still a few things floating through my mind on this quiet Sunday evening…

1.) I’m supposed to be working on my acting website. I’ve been procrastinating for a WHOLE MONTH. And I’m waiting to complete my website in order to mail out some headshots to casting directors. I’m starting to think there’s a subconscious barrier here rather than me being exhausted from my new hosting gig. Maybe I’m afraid this mailing won’t result in anything? Idk. But I downed some coffee, so now I have to complete it tonight. Otherwise I’ll be wired throughout the night for nothing.

2.) Deeper than that, I’m stressed about getting a major co-star or guest starring role on a notable series (or film). I have 3 months left to meet this goal, and without an agent, relationships with casting directors (and without a manager who is aggressive enough to actually make something happen…) it’s hard to see the vision. But doubt is a cancer of the mind, so I’m trying to remain strong.

3.) I’ve been getting lonely again in the love department. I see beautiful couples all around me, and it’s hard not wonder when my lover will come. I want to meet him already. Right now I’m tired of these half-assed, bare-minimum men and I’m starting to feel like a love statistic. “Women of color are the least likely to…”

But I’ll never settle for the sake of being lonely. I think “McMaybe/3 slices of pizza guy” was a warning. haha.

4.) At the end of the day… all this worrying and wondering “what if?”– it’s good, it keeps me striving towards my goals, but I need to stop and live in the present. Stop rushing through life. Enjoy the moment. That’s very hard for me to do. But I’d probably be a lot happier and maybe even more productive if I did.

 

Advertisements

Paralyzed.

Since I stopped freelancing for the tech company, I’ve been living off of savings for 2 months. I swore off the traditional clients…and promised myself that from now on, any job I accept must have one of these elements:

1 – allow me to be on-camera,

2 – involve video/creativity, or

3 – somehow incorporate my storytelling/content creation skills.

I know I must focus ALL of my efforts towards the same end goal rather than putting a lot of time and energy into solely tech marketing for random startups… which even though I enjoy the challenges, doesn’t really get me anywhere near my goals as an actress and music influencer.

However:

During these past 2 months, I have enjoyed the glimpses of potential roles, blissful freedom do to whatever I want, and a plethora of opportunities to collab…  but I still haven’t found a JOB. That one thing or service (in entertainment/media) that’s going to pay the bills (while I still act.) It’s extremely uncomfortable having money go out the door with nothing coming back in.

But guess what’s worse than diarrhea of the bank account:

Doubt.

I’m having doubts about whether this opportunity will ever come.  Doubts about whether the status quo is there for a reason, and I’m just being a lazy millenial f*ck and just need to suck it up and slave away; reducing my passions to a side job or afterthought, until I can afford to focus on them full time. And it sucks. Because the doubt leads to indecision. I can’t make a damn decision about whether to wait, do something else, move to LA, stay in NY, or do anything at all!

But deep deep down, past the doubt on the surface, I still have heart and I still have faith. Something has to work out. It has to. Every night I’m willing my self-conscious to reveal the way and make the answers clear. I just need to make a decision.

Shittiness

Things had been picking up over the past few weeks. Opportunities and bookings were rolling in, and the vibes were just so positive and promising.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday I was feeling off. I had an audition that I knew I wasn’t right for. I even requested two other roles after they sent me the sides, but the director insisted on that one. I’ve wanted to work with this director for a minute, so I went in anyway.

When I first walked in the room, some of the other decision makers were even surprised at which character I was reading for. “Rachel? Oh. Hmmm.” wtf!? Frustrating.

Then… we started the audition.

I bombed. Just up in flames. My head wasn’t in it, I was nervous, I even asked midway to start over! Ughhhhhh. I’ve never done that in my entire acting career, and yet there I was… feeling hot all over, looking like such an amateur. They sent me back outside to give me 5 minutes while they took someone else. Beyond embarrassing.

The second time in the room, my head was still out of the game, but I mustered up all the energy, presence and preparation I had. I have no idea what was going on with me. But yup, I can’t help but feel as if that audition, (and my first impression with that director) just went up in smoke.

“How are you feeling? Do you want her to read again?”

“Nope. I think we’re good here.”

F.M.L.

(This morning I boldly asked the director for feedback, since I like torture I guess. lol. At this point though, I really have nothing to lose.)

After my shitty audition, I was also scheduled for a call with my manager to discuss a few contracts and fill her in on the projects I had booked on my own. This ended up in a tense, frustrating lecture: “This contract is vague. I need you to protect yourself more,” “Is this a meeting or a consultation? Why are you offering advice for free?” “Don’t you value yourself, your time and your work?” “Do you think Kerry Washington or Beyonce or any other leading entertainer is walking in a meeting for free? Would they put up with this?”

Precisely the loving conversation I needed after a crappy audition. I did need to hear it though. -_-

On another note, today is a new, beautiful day. I have a photoshoot and a reading for a film. My manager said not to let my disappointment from the audition appear in my photos today. So I’m still trying to beat myself up less, and find the silver lining. I’ll let you know when it decides to show up.

Btw. I know for a fact that I have some new lurkers reading this anonymous online journal who are wayyy too close to home. (Thanks to my accidental direct link post to friends and family.) No one has brought it up to me, but I can see direct Google searches in my stats. lol. I’m just going to pretend like they aren’t here.

I FOUND A SILVER LINING! See my post titled “Silver linings.

Truth doesn’t require you to believe it.

“Truth doesn’t require you to believe it. The same can be said of reality, science, and facts. These things prevail even in an age when much credit is given to managing perception. I find comfort in stumbling upon this insight during my early morning reflections.” – regina

While she’s talking about the current state of our nation, I found additional insight that can be applied to external doubt. If you have a dream or goal, it can prevail even if others doubt you. The constant you need is belief in yourself and your vision. You know your strengths and capabilities better than anyone else. So you can rest assured by betting on yourself.

__

Right now, I’m feeling the toll of doubt from others. Two bosses who have made it clear that my work and expertise wasn’t good enough for them. An industry where the collective rejection – lack of callbacks, lack of work, lack of agency representation – makes it appear as if my acting and/or looks aren’t good enough. And entering another industry where I know my current music production experience is nowhere near good enough. Yet.

I needed this quote this morning to remind me:

If you’re smart, creative, nimble and persistent, you can do anything. Just maintain that belief in yourself. Water always finds a way, and so will I. Even if I can’t see it yet.

Cash me onstage, how bow dah. (revisit)

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others, especially when you see some of your friends and peers living out your dreams. Sometimes it feels as if I made a wrong turn, or chose the zig zag path. Sometimes doubt kicks in. And after the doubt is quickly erased and pushed out of memory, I still wonder: am I in denial? Does wanting it badly enough and working hard always lead to a successful outcome? How do I remain consistent when there’s so many things I want to do?

They say shoot for the moon, shoot for the stars… but what if you’re still deciding who you are, where you stand? I mean, I’m still looking for a starting line, did I miss it? It feels like I’m running a race. Other times I feel like running away and escaping all the pressure, cuz confession: I still don’t know who I am. Like who am I meant to be? What is God’s plan for me? When will I meet my destiny?  And why can’t I ever see it so damn clearly, like others do? (or pretend to) And is it in His hands, or do I have a say?

Alright, so I could be rushing things… again. I just feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m on the outside… still looking on the outside…

whhhhhew. Just breathe. Take it day, by day, by day….

___

Okay for kicks, I’ll go REALLY BIG then.Career only. Put some crazy things out into the “universe” on this anonymous blog/diary. If even one of these sticks, I will be a happy camper!

2017:

  • I will be admired for my creativity and vision in acting, film and music. This admiration will be conveyed in the form of publicity, red carpet appearances, invite only networking events, increased opportunities and money.
  • I will live completely off of acting, hosting and music and make more than $100K in earnings!
  • I will publish my first EP in 2017! And it will receive 1,000 downloads.
  • I will have an acting reel that I am proud of.

2018:

  • I will produce and star in my own show (and be paid for it!)
  • I will be on Spotify, Pandora, Shazam, Apple Music.
  • I will live in and afford a chic apartment or condo I am proud of
  • I will take my dad on vacation
  • I will be on the Forbes 30 under 30 list.

2019: (2 years)

  • I will be paid to travel the world, meet new people and record my journey.
  • I will work with Chance the Rapper!
  • I will hit 1M views on Youtube.
  • I will have a guest role on Atlanta or similar show that I admire.

2020: (3 years)

  • I will be in a project that plays at Sundance or Cannes. And win.
  • I will pay off my student loans.
  • I will make an appearance on Ellen.

2022: (5 years)

  • I will be a household name for my positive impact on the world.
  • I will have a leading role on a television (or netflix, amazon etc) series.
  • I will star in a major motion picture.
  • I will have a song that hits Billboard #1.
  • I will buy my mom a house.
  • I will buy myself a house.
  • I will own my own business and/or product line.

2024: (7 years)

  • I will be my own version of Childish Gambino / Donald Glover.
  • I will have the means to be an angel investor for a company I believe in.

2027: (10 years)

  • I will win a Grammy.
  • I will win an Emmy.
  • I will meet the Obamas and Oprah. (lol just threw this one in there)

* I revised these an hour later to remove all practicalities and realisms. Dreaming really REALLY big is kinda hard! This was an exercise in freeing my limitations and I wanted these to be absolutely ridiculous and as random as possible.

I will spend time visualizing and saying each one aloud and will call it a night.

__

Update- 5/29/17: I’ve revisited this page 5 times.