Deeper.

There’s this guy. ( I know, I know.) I’ve been avoiding trying to catch feelings for him, because he’s long distance. And to be honest, I can’t distinguish between if it’s fantasy or real, since 90% of our interactions have been on the phone due to distance. We agreed since we don’t want to do long distance, that we would try to decrease the communication since things would get confusing.  I hate to say it, but the decision is affecting me and it sucks.

Which led me to a realization today —

Deep down inside, I think I’m afraid of being alone. I thought my biggest fear was fear of failure or not achieving the lofty goals I have for myself, but maybe it’s rooted in this one. The fear of not being fully loved. Of not finding a romantic (and attractive lol) partner who gets me and wants to ride out life together.

So when someone promising comes along, I hold tight. Tighter than normal and probably definitely tighter and longer than I should. And while I’ve grown leaps and bounds in self-love, I still recognized this fear lingering in my heart today.

So I did what any normal human would do. I Googled it.

Here’s what I found:

Darlene Ouimet, Emergingfrombroken.com (Full post)

(I haven’t read her book, I just came across this on her website)

The truth is that people cannot determine my value. I had to learn to determine my own value by realizing just “HOW” I had been defined as less valuable. The truth is that people do not have the right to define me as good enough or not good enough. Each human being has equal value; I just had to look at lies I believed in order to realize they were in fact LIES. I believed that people, my family and my friends could determine my value by the way they regarded me. But this isn’t a truth. I had to stop believing that people could validate me or invalidate me. The truth is that personal value is not based on what I can do for others especially when there is no mutuality involved as had been the case in my life.

My damaged self esteem began to heal when I realized that it wasn’t ME who caused the damage to it in the first place.

Learning to love started with me, learning to love me. It was about being good enough for me. It was about accepting myself but I couldn’t do that until I faced where the “not good enough” messages came from. Little did I know that through facing this truth, I would find my value and my lost identity.  Through that process I was able to embrace myself the way that I had been longing for others to embrace me

Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll Never Find ‘The One’ – Heidi Priebe (Full post)

If you knew, with indisputable certainty, that love was never going to be yours, how would you live your life differently? What about your daily routine would you alter? What about your long-term plans?

… The idea that someday somebody will love all our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them. The principle of two halves making a whole restrains us from becoming our own better half. We want someone to swoop in during our darkest hour and save us, but what if we knew they never would? We’d have to start doing everything differently.

… Without the fear of ending up alone, the opportunities open to you would become endless. You could live on every continent. You could scale the corporate ladder. You could go back to school and get that degree you’ve always felt interested in, without worrying about the financial burden your debt may place on somebody else.

… Stop looking for The One to spend the rest of your life with. Be The One.

And let everybody else come searching for you.

Thanks Google. =)

 

Love you more.

Today’s Facebook wisdom:

“There are issues in every relationship and in mine, we’ve established this concept of “love you more” which means that “I love you more than anything that has happened, is happening or could happen”. This has allowed us to overcome small issues and truly love each other through the tough times. This morning I was reminded that this action can also be used when dealing with people other than your spouse. More importantly, this method should be used on ourselves daily. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you more” and mean it. Love yourself more than your failures, your mistakes, and your flaws. Love yourself fully so you can love others to the best of your ability!”- JF

A matter of convenience.

Went on my first date with Mr. Interesting… we were supposed to do pool or bowling or something… but again, just like McMaybe, those previously discussed plans were ignored, to have our first date be a sports bar. Whatever, March Madness was on, so I still enjoyed.

Date itself was great. He was very attractive in person and charismatic. He opened up a lot, which helped me get over my initial shyness. I also got pretty drunk lol, which probably helped with the shyness too. At some point we kissed a few times, we were holding hands… it ended up being about a 5 hour date.

I didn’t feel the 9 years age difference either, and it didn’t seem to matter in terms of physical appearance, despite my baby face. Well, the freakin waitress made a random joke mid-date… I complimented her on her eyes and her bracelet and she mentioned how she was just talking to another waiter about how pretty and nice I was blah blah. She then proceeded to kid about how her Grandma bought her the bracelet. “In the Ukraine, we don’t have sugar daddies, we have grandmas…” We all laughed, and it could’ve been in my head, but I did have a “what the fuck?” moment.  Like did this bish just have a full conversation about me with another waiter and then come test the waters to see if I was some sort of sugar baby or something?  I got over it.

So why is it, that after a great date and budding feelings… that I am now only being contacted by him when there is potential to make plans/meet up? Periodically texting to continue getting to know him and.. radio silence. But he can respond at the speed of light when we are discussing the topic “Are you free on Saturday?” Annoying.

I haven’t met up with him after the first date, but it looks as if I’m just a matter of convenience. I’m cancelling Mr. Interesting until further notice.

 

No bad days.

Woke up to my mother calling me, lecturing me. Completely unexpected and not the way I thought I would start the day. I hung up on her.

Not the best or most considerate move, but my first immediate thought was “negative energy, protect your mental state.” Ten minutes later after I grabbed my coffee and walked to the train, I called her back. No answer. I sent her a text saying I understand where she’s coming from, why my impulse was to hang up, i love her and hope she has a good day.

Definitely could have handled that situation better, but it’s hard for me to sit back, assess and diffuse a situation in the moment, in the face of aggression.

What I DID learn from this morning’s “drama” however was:

1) The importance and impact of aggression and anger: Whether a person is in the right or wrong, I don’t want anyone to feel how I felt this morning or begin their day like that– feeling attacked and on the defensive. It could set a negative tone for the rest if the day. In this case, I can admit I was 72% in the wrong, but was unaware until she brought it to my attention. I had no idea how she was feeling, and it was clear she was sitting on it, letting boil up so she could have a cathartic release when she finally got me on the phone. Rather than sending a text when she was initially bothered or considering her delivery which would have led to a better outcome.

I can’t control others, but it was a lesson on how I choose to deliver my critiques or anger towards others in the future. It was also a lesson in stepping back, removing my defenses and seeing the fact that the majority of the wrongdoing was on me.

2) Protecting my inner peace and mental state: Hanging up the phone as an action was not correct, but the first mental instinct was. I sensed negative energy that seemingly came out of nowhere, and I refused to let that set the tone for my day. I made sure I was patient and thanked the woman who prepared my iced coffee, I inadvertently made the elderly Jehovah’s Witness woman standing next to the subway turnstile laugh with my super enthusiatic Bonjour! response; I called and texted my mother back with good intention and love behind my communication. Conscious decision or not, I didn’t want to continue spreading the aggression and bad vibes around. My day and spirits were instantly lifted because of this.

I’m not a fan of the holier than thou approach, I hope this entry doesn’t come across this way. I was just pleased with the accidental lessons learned and reflection that resulted from a negative circumstance and wanted to keep a record of this moment.