Sweet dreams are made of these.

So my brain decided to be SUPER hyperactive in my sleep last night. Disclaimer: I have some pretty vivid dreams on a regular basis. I’m talking straight up movies with camera angles, stunning cinematography and everything. haha.  And I can still remember most of them years later… some have led to extreme de ja vu, some have been warnings that have come true, it’s pretty cool. I love my dreams.

But last night, my brain was seriously out. of. control. Here are the multiple dreams I had, in one night alone:

Dream #1:  I was on the Ellen show and she gave me everything I wished for. She brought out Pharrell, Childish Gambino AND Jeremy Ellis. When I flipped out and started crying over Jeremy Ellis, she said she was sponsoring my production education for a year which included master classes with him. Then she gave me a role on Atlanta. Yes. Atlanta. At this point I should have known it was a dream, but whatever. I screamed “NO AUDITION? whatttt!” The audience laughed. After I calmed down to where I could actually speak, I joked, “jeez are you giving away boyfriends too?” And she proceeded to grab the most attractive men in the audience and off the street, for a funny mini bachelorette skit. It was hilarious and it needs to be real life, like forreal forreal. Best dream ever.

Dream #2:  I had a dream about one of my most vivid dreams. No, not a recurring dream. I was on set, directing and producing the dream from my memory. Saying “no we need more fire, more smoke. This needs to be epic.”

Dream #3:  I was Donald Glover… like in his body, sitting in a bathtub? Go figure. No nudity though. Pre-success in a random house, stressing about what to do for a job, and whether or not I should work on this script I (he) was thinking about doing. Uber stressed. Finally I said, f*ck it I’m doing it and hopped out the tub.

Dream #4:  I was in my bed and a huge black widow spider was on the wall. Suddenly it was on my mouth and this little evil toddler on my back leaning over my head (evil, not playful, he knew exactly what he was doing) was trying to press it in my mouth, but I successfully kept my lips shut. I finally was able to catch the spider and kill it (ON MY LIPS) with my two fingers. Gross. But it apparently was the only way to kill it. After I killed it, the kid disappeared.

I then woke up at 5:36am and proceeded to write down two commercial video outlines for KBK Rokit monitors and the New York Botanical Garden Orchid show. I also saw that a videographer had messaged me on IG out of nowhere at 3am, so I sent him a response.

Random AF.

Is this normal?

#filmfodder

Cash me onstage, how bow dah. (revisit)

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others, especially when you see some of your friends and peers living out your dreams. Sometimes it feels as if I made a wrong turn, or chose the zig zag path. Sometimes doubt kicks in. And after the doubt is quickly erased and pushed out of memory, I still wonder: am I in denial? Does wanting it badly enough and working hard always lead to a successful outcome? How do I remain consistent when there’s so many things I want to do?

They say shoot for the moon, shoot for the stars… but what if you’re still deciding who you are, where you stand? I mean, I’m still looking for a starting line, did I miss it? It feels like I’m running a race. Other times I feel like running away and escaping all the pressure, cuz confession: I still don’t know who I am. Like who am I meant to be? What is God’s plan for me? When will I meet my destiny?  And why can’t I ever see it so damn clearly, like others do? (or pretend to) And is it in His hands, or do I have a say?

Alright, so I could be rushing things… again. I just feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m on the outside… still looking on the outside…

whhhhhew. Just breathe. Take it day, by day, by day….

___

Okay for kicks, I’ll go REALLY BIG then.Career only. Put some crazy things out into the “universe” on this anonymous blog/diary. If even one of these sticks, I will be a happy camper!

2017:

  • I will be admired for my creativity and vision in acting, film and music. This admiration will be conveyed in the form of publicity, red carpet appearances, invite only networking events, increased opportunities and money.
  • I will live completely off of acting, hosting and music and make more than $100K in earnings!
  • I will publish my first EP in 2017! And it will receive 1,000 downloads.
  • I will have an acting reel that I am proud of.

2018:

  • I will produce and star in my own show (and be paid for it!)
  • I will be on Spotify, Pandora, Shazam, Apple Music.
  • I will live in and afford a chic apartment or condo I am proud of
  • I will take my dad on vacation
  • I will be on the Forbes 30 under 30 list.

2019: (2 years)

  • I will be paid to travel the world, meet new people and record my journey.
  • I will work with Chance the Rapper!
  • I will hit 1M views on Youtube.
  • I will have a guest role on Atlanta or similar show that I admire.

2020: (3 years)

  • I will be in a project that plays at Sundance or Cannes. And win.
  • I will pay off my student loans.
  • I will make an appearance on Ellen.

2022: (5 years)

  • I will be a household name for my positive impact on the world.
  • I will have a leading role on a television (or netflix, amazon etc) series.
  • I will star in a major motion picture.
  • I will have a song that hits Billboard #1.
  • I will buy my mom a house.
  • I will buy myself a house.
  • I will own my own business and/or product line.

2024: (7 years)

  • I will be my own version of Childish Gambino / Donald Glover.
  • I will have the means to be an angel investor for a company I believe in.

2027: (10 years)

  • I will win a Grammy.
  • I will win an Emmy.
  • I will meet the Obamas and Oprah. (lol just threw this one in there)

* I revised these an hour later to remove all practicalities and realisms. Dreaming really REALLY big is kinda hard! This was an exercise in freeing my limitations and I wanted these to be absolutely ridiculous and as random as possible.

I will spend time visualizing and saying each one aloud and will call it a night.

__

Update- 5/29/17: I’ve revisited this page 5 times.