I want to come to a place where I fear absolutely nothing.
I want to come to a place where I fear absolutely nothing.
You never really know someone, until you know what it is that they want. Once you have that knowledge – Checkmate.
Success requires no explanation. – TAGR
I have an upstairs neighbor who is out of control. He has above average stomping capabilities, is extremely restless, and love to drag his furniture all over the floor. I’m convinced he is incapable of doing any activity quietly or sleeping. I have cracks forming in my ceiling now because of him.
But this isn’t your average “my upstairs neighbor is horrible” rant. I’m actually concerned for his sanity (and mine.)
Now, I’m far from a licensed medical anything, but something is seriously off. Every two weeks this man will go into a fit of rage, either fighting himself or upset about something else. I’ll hear him screaming holy terror at the top of his lungs, banging stuff, throwing things around… a few times he’s throwing himself around, having a one-man scuffle all over the floor. And it’s never at 5pm, nooo it’s always at 3, 4, 5am… some ungodly hour usually the night before an early call or photoshoot when I need my sleep the most. (How am I the only neighbor witnessing all of this?)
The first time I didn’t know what was happening, so I went up there myself, like “Can you calm the fuck down please? I have cracks in my ceiling because of you. Calm yourself. Thank you.” Yes, it was a combo of yelling and mothering… and that worked… temporarily.
Until the next time, I hear him yelling at himself, then straight up glass shattering everywhere, and “AHHHHH!!” and and I’m like hold up… this man needs serious help. So I called the police, who of course do nothing, and tell me to call 311 next time. Cool.
Except ever since that day I called the police, I’ve seen him in the elevator a few times, and I swear this man won’t even look at me, seriously tense elevator rides.
So what do I do? Keep calling 311? What if one day he ACTUALLY hurts himself? What if one day, he decides to have a spontaneous raging fit, except he comes down the fire escape and takes it out on me?
I really can’t afford to move right now, and why should I have to? When I’ve been here for 2 years and he’s been here for 3 months? And okay, then some poor soul moves in after me and deals with the same thing… then what?
I wish he could just take his meds or see his doctor or something and just get better because this screaming bloody murder, banging and hollering and stuff is just out of control.
Something has to give.
Things had been picking up over the past few weeks. Opportunities and bookings were rolling in, and the vibes were just so positive and promising.
Yesterday I was feeling off. I had an audition that I knew I wasn’t right for. I even requested two other roles after they sent me the sides, but the director insisted on that one. I’ve wanted to work with this director for a minute, so I went in anyway.
When I first walked in the room, some of the other decision makers were even surprised at which character I was reading for. “Rachel? Oh. Hmmm.” wtf!? Frustrating.
Then… we started the audition.
I bombed. Just up in flames. My head wasn’t in it, I was nervous, I even asked midway to start over! Ughhhhhh. I’ve never done that in my entire acting career, and yet there I was… feeling hot all over, looking like such an amateur. They sent me back outside to give me 5 minutes while they took someone else. Beyond embarrassing.
The second time in the room, my head was still out of the game, but I mustered up all the energy, presence and preparation I had. I have no idea what was going on with me. But yup, I can’t help but feel as if that audition, (and my first impression with that director) just went up in smoke.
“How are you feeling? Do you want her to read again?”
“Nope. I think we’re good here.”
(This morning I boldly asked the director for feedback, since I like torture I guess. lol. At this point though, I really have nothing to lose.)
After my shitty audition, I was also scheduled for a call with my manager to discuss a few contracts and fill her in on the projects I had booked on my own. This ended up in a tense, frustrating lecture: “This contract is vague. I need you to protect yourself more,” “Is this a meeting or a consultation? Why are you offering advice for free?” “Don’t you value yourself, your time and your work?” “Do you think Kerry Washington or Beyonce or any other leading entertainer is walking in a meeting for free? Would they put up with this?”
Precisely the loving conversation I needed after a crappy audition. I did need to hear it though. -_-
On another note, today is a new, beautiful day. I have a photoshoot and a reading for a film. My manager said not to let my disappointment from the audition appear in my photos today. So I’m still trying to beat myself up less, and find the silver lining. I’ll let you know when it decides to show up.
Btw. I know for a fact that I have some new lurkers reading this anonymous online journal who are wayyy too close to home. (Thanks to my accidental direct link post to friends and family.) No one has brought it up to me, but I can see direct Google searches in my stats. lol. I’m just going to pretend like they aren’t here.
I FOUND A SILVER LINING! See my post titled “Silver linings.“
I think I just accidentally shared a direct link to this online diary to all of my friends and family.
Well, I’m not hurting anyone. Just sharing all my thoughts… vulnerabilities… randomness… nbd. right? *face palm*
Let’s just hope those who are paying attention, will just kindly turn the other way and keep this a secret.
It’s always an adventure when you head to the post office.
On today’s episode of post office adventures, I walked right into a standoff between a USPS clerk and a stubborn man staring into his phone with his adorable golden pomeranian next to him, tugging away at the dirty carpet.
“SIR. Can you hear me. I’m asking nicely. You cannot have your dog in here.”
I swear this woman has way more patience than I do. She must’ve repeated herself about 15 times before giving up and walking away to call the cops.
Then, because well… it’s New York, the rest of the people standing in line decided to put in their two cents:
“C’mon bro. Just leave. Deadass. It’s not worth it.”
“This is silly, why pay the ticket? What are you doing?”
The offender finally broke his silence and half-yelled through a thick Caribbean accent, “I don’t give a fuck! They can call the police!”
Now normally, I’m the first one to talk someone down from the ledge, but since the other bystanders had it covered, I proceeded to document the impromptu “Occupy USPS with my Pomeranian” protest on Snapchat. You know, for the culture.
What’s interesting about this entire scenario, is that the man seemed shy and unassuming… just your nice average guy. It was as if he had been taking shit from everyone in his life for the past month and TODAY was the day he decided to take a stand, throw his middle finger up to the world, and say, “ENOUGH!” with his cute little dog by his side for moral support.
About 30 seconds later when everyone pegged him as a lost cause, he came to his senses and left to stand in front of the post office, scrolling away on his phone as if NOTHING HAPPENED.
When I wrapped up my post office business, I made sure to say hello to his dog. Because hello, holy cuteness. Poms. Enough said.
Bahahahaha. But yes, this is real life. Real life comedic and dramatic gold.
I definitely have to use this in a film or TV show someday.
So my brain decided to be SUPER hyperactive in my sleep last night. Disclaimer: I have some pretty vivid dreams on a regular basis. I’m talking straight up movies with camera angles, stunning cinematography and everything. haha. And I can still remember most of them years later… some have led to extreme de ja vu, some have been warnings that have come true, it’s pretty cool. I love my dreams.
But last night, my brain was seriously out. of. control. Here are the multiple dreams I had, in one night alone:
Dream #1: I was on the Ellen show and she gave me everything I wished for. She brought out Pharrell, Childish Gambino AND Jeremy Ellis. When I flipped out and started crying over Jeremy Ellis, she said she was sponsoring my production education for a year which included master classes with him. Then she gave me a role on Atlanta. Yes. Atlanta. At this point I should have known it was a dream, but whatever. I screamed “NO AUDITION? whatttt!” The audience laughed. After I calmed down to where I could actually speak, I joked, “jeez are you giving away boyfriends too?” And she proceeded to grab the most attractive men in the audience and off the street, for a funny mini bachelorette skit. It was hilarious and it needs to be real life, like forreal forreal. Best dream ever.
Dream #2: I had a dream about one of my most vivid dreams. No, not a recurring dream. I was on set, directing and producing the dream from my memory. Saying “no we need more fire, more smoke. This needs to be epic.”
Dream #3: I was Donald Glover… like in his body, sitting in a bathtub? Go figure. No nudity though. Pre-success in a random house, stressing about what to do for a job, and whether or not I should work on this script I (he) was thinking about doing. Uber stressed. Finally I said, f*ck it I’m doing it and hopped out the tub.
Dream #4: I was in my bed and a huge black widow spider was on the wall. Suddenly it was on my mouth and this little evil toddler on my back leaning over my head (evil, not playful, he knew exactly what he was doing) was trying to press it in my mouth, but I successfully kept my lips shut. I finally was able to catch the spider and kill it (ON MY LIPS) with my two fingers. Gross. But it apparently was the only way to kill it. After I killed it, the kid disappeared.
I then woke up at 5:36am and proceeded to write down two commercial video outlines for KBK Rokit monitors and the New York Botanical Garden Orchid show. I also saw that a videographer had messaged me on IG out of nowhere at 3am, so I sent him a response.
Is this normal?