Love lost.

This time last year, I was content with benching myself for #cuffing season, and en route to my first SOLO international trip for a full month!

This year I thought it would be the same, but not so much. It feels as if things are (slowly) moving with my career, but my love life is nowhere to be seen.

I thought I had potential with this one long distance guy (I think I mentioned earlier… the one I had been seeing roughly every month and a half…)

But I just came back from a short local “bae-cation” and while it was so much fun hanging out with him, the sexual/romantic chemistry just seems to be seriously lacking. I think it’s a combo of him being on the introvert/non-affectionate side, while I’m an extrovert/introvert hybrid and a HUGE mush-ball. He’s also extremely effeminate, which wouldn’t be a problem if his sex drive was there, but I’ve been patiently waiting for this side to appear and I don’t see that getting better over time. His drive seems downright suppressed or non-existent tbh. (And yes, I asked him.. gently… if he was gay or bi, he said no, and I have no choice but to take his word on that.) It really sucks though, cuz outside of the whole sexual chemistry thing, this guy is AMAZEBALLS.

I hate the fact that my logic and emotions often conflict and go their own separate ways. Logically, I’m perfectly content with continuing to lock myself up in a cave and just focusing on work and creative pursuits. Then my emotions and sex drive want come knocking, and here I am, Sunday night, super lonely, wondering why this shit is so hard. (If I were a man, that’d be a funny pun hah, but I mean this.. having/finding a romantic partner shit.)

But even if I were to dust off my dating profile and start actively looking again, it looks like there’s no one to be found. All the men around me are great on paper, but none are emotionally available. They’re all either heartbroken, living the free agent lifestyle, immature or all of the above.

I just wish I had:

  • someone geeky, cute, smart and funny to talk to
  • someone to cuddle with
  • someone who gets me
  • someone who is emotionally available and willing to form a deep intimate connection
  • someone whose sex drive and affectionate ways match mine
  • someone about that power couple life
  • Bonus: Donald Glover or Pharrell lol

all wrapped into one.

But…………… I don’t.

Ugh. =/

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Deeper.

There’s this guy. ( I know, I know.) I’ve been avoiding trying to catch feelings for him, because he’s long distance. And to be honest, I can’t distinguish between if it’s fantasy or real, since 90% of our interactions have been on the phone due to distance. We agreed since we don’t want to do long distance, that we would try to decrease the communication since things would get confusing.  I hate to say it, but the decision is affecting me and it sucks.

Which led me to a realization today —

Deep down inside, I think I’m afraid of being alone. I thought my biggest fear was fear of failure or not achieving the lofty goals I have for myself, but maybe it’s rooted in this one. The fear of not being fully loved. Of not finding a romantic (and attractive lol) partner who gets me and wants to ride out life together.

So when someone promising comes along, I hold tight. Tighter than normal and probably definitely tighter and longer than I should. And while I’ve grown leaps and bounds in self-love, I still recognized this fear lingering in my heart today.

So I did what any normal human would do. I Googled it.

Here’s what I found:

Darlene Ouimet, Emergingfrombroken.com (Full post)

(I haven’t read her book, I just came across this on her website)

The truth is that people cannot determine my value. I had to learn to determine my own value by realizing just “HOW” I had been defined as less valuable. The truth is that people do not have the right to define me as good enough or not good enough. Each human being has equal value; I just had to look at lies I believed in order to realize they were in fact LIES. I believed that people, my family and my friends could determine my value by the way they regarded me. But this isn’t a truth. I had to stop believing that people could validate me or invalidate me. The truth is that personal value is not based on what I can do for others especially when there is no mutuality involved as had been the case in my life.

My damaged self esteem began to heal when I realized that it wasn’t ME who caused the damage to it in the first place.

Learning to love started with me, learning to love me. It was about being good enough for me. It was about accepting myself but I couldn’t do that until I faced where the “not good enough” messages came from. Little did I know that through facing this truth, I would find my value and my lost identity.  Through that process I was able to embrace myself the way that I had been longing for others to embrace me

Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll Never Find ‘The One’ – Heidi Priebe (Full post)

If you knew, with indisputable certainty, that love was never going to be yours, how would you live your life differently? What about your daily routine would you alter? What about your long-term plans?

… The idea that someday somebody will love all our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them. The principle of two halves making a whole restrains us from becoming our own better half. We want someone to swoop in during our darkest hour and save us, but what if we knew they never would? We’d have to start doing everything differently.

… Without the fear of ending up alone, the opportunities open to you would become endless. You could live on every continent. You could scale the corporate ladder. You could go back to school and get that degree you’ve always felt interested in, without worrying about the financial burden your debt may place on somebody else.

… Stop looking for The One to spend the rest of your life with. Be The One.

And let everybody else come searching for you.

Thanks Google. =)

 

Paralyzed.

Since I stopped freelancing for the tech company, I’ve been living off of savings for 2 months. I swore off the traditional clients…and promised myself that from now on, any job I accept must have one of these elements:

1 – allow me to be on-camera,

2 – involve video/creativity, or

3 – somehow incorporate my storytelling/content creation skills.

I know I must focus ALL of my efforts towards the same end goal rather than putting a lot of time and energy into solely tech marketing for random startups… which even though I enjoy the challenges, doesn’t really get me anywhere near my goals as an actress and music influencer.

However:

During these past 2 months, I have enjoyed the glimpses of potential roles, blissful freedom do to whatever I want, and a plethora of opportunities to collab…  but I still haven’t found a JOB. That one thing or service (in entertainment/media) that’s going to pay the bills (while I still act.) It’s extremely uncomfortable having money go out the door with nothing coming back in.

But guess what’s worse than diarrhea of the bank account:

Doubt.

I’m having doubts about whether this opportunity will ever come.  Doubts about whether the status quo is there for a reason, and I’m just being a lazy millenial f*ck and just need to suck it up and slave away; reducing my passions to a side job or afterthought, until I can afford to focus on them full time. And it sucks. Because the doubt leads to indecision. I can’t make a damn decision about whether to wait, do something else, move to LA, stay in NY, or do anything at all!

But deep deep down, past the doubt on the surface, I still have heart and I still have faith. Something has to work out. It has to. Every night I’m willing my self-conscious to reveal the way and make the answers clear. I just need to make a decision.